Friends?
by Taito-Yamachi-lvr
Summary: Dib gives in to the stress of being a hero and decides to become friends with Zim. Will this friendship work out? Rated PG-13 for possible romance in the future. Chapters 6 and 7 up. Enjoy! If you like it tell other people. Thank you! :)
1. Default Chapter

The skool's bell clanged, sending a harsh racket all over the grounds and rudely waking any students who had fallen asleep. Zim, being one of those students, let out a loud shriek and jumped up onto his desk, looking around wildly and trying to identify the source of the noise.

Dib, who had been watching Zim for most of the class, let out an exasperated sigh and got up from his desk.

"It's just the school bell, _Zim_," he said, watching Zim glance at him sideways like a cornered animal.

"You LIIIE!" Zim screamed, pointing a finger at Dib.

"What? How can I be lying? It IS the school bell!" Dib protested in disbelief.

Finger still pointing, Zim blinked. "YOU LIE!"

Sighing again, Dib shook his head.

With Dib distracted in his head-shaking, Zim made his hasty exit from the classroom.

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"Zim!"

Zim glanced over his shoulder at the voice. "Eh?"

Dib quickly ran up to him.

"Ah, listen," Dib said nervously, rubbing the back of his (gargantuan) head and looking at the ground. Zim watched as one of the filthy worm kids was jabbed in the eye by Dib's spiky hair. The kid immediately dropped to the ground, clutching his eye and screaming in pain.

"So what do you think?" Dib finished, looking up at Zim with a bright smile.

Zim immediately focused on Dib. "Eh?"

Dib frowned. "Weren't you even listening to me?"

Zim switched back to Dib from where he had just been watching Gaz. "EH?"

Dib grabbed Zim by the shoulders and shook him.

"Listen, Zim," he said angrily, "I just asked if you wanted to see a movie! What's your answer?"

Zim stared at him for a few seconds, his face blank. "You're plotting something, aren't you?"

"No, I-"

"AREN'T YOU!?"

"I SAID _NO_! I just…well…I'm don't have much to do this weekend, except stalk you-"

"What!?"

"Uh, uh, track you! I don't have anything to do but track you, and as fun as that is, I'm getting a little tired of it. So I was wondering if you wanted to see a movie."

Zim frowned at Dib, suspicious. "Don't you have any smelly human friends to go frolic and roll in mud with?"

Dib sighed. "No, Zim, in case you haven't noticed, I don't. I don't have any friends. Not one. Not even one. They all think I'm crazy. No one likes crazy people, Zim. No one does."

Zim turned his back on Dib and folded his arms. "Well I don't like crazy people either."

He started to walk off, then turned around.

"Crazy!" he called, then took off running.

Dib, trying not to grin, shook his fist angrily in Zim's direction.

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"So," Dib sighed, fiddling with one of his robot action figures, "another weekend alone."

Weekends were probably his least favorite part of the week. Even more than the school days, where he was called crazy and big-head, because he knew all the terrible kids in his class were all at home with their families, having a better time than he was. He, the sole defender of Earth. The thankless job of a hero was a trying one, and it always left Dib drained, not just physically. Sometimes, after thwarting one of Zim's schemes, he would just collapse on his bed and think. Think about what a horrible life he had, Think about how no one actually cared about him. Think, horrible, depressing thoughts about how humanity would never be there for him, even though he would always be there for it. How not even his family loved him. That he was the "crazy, big-headed freak". How all the kids spat his name like he was some kind of disease. He would think about the fact that he was totally alone, with no one to relate to. Even his Swollen Eyeball group had tired of him, and Dib called less and less frequently. After the Santa Claus incident, Dib had grown steadily bored with saving humanity, and even more bored with his own life. He didn't have much motivation to be defender of Earth anymore, or even to live. There was a time when he has a great burst of motivation, and that was when Zim arrived.

Zim… 

Rolling over onto his stomach, Dib reminisced about the day he first saw Zim. That day, he knew he had a purpose, and that purpose was to stop Zim's plans for world domination and be the hero of Earth. The funny thing was, as time went on, Dib realized what a thankless job being a hero was. Despite saving the Earth and all of humanity dozens of times, he was ridiculed and beat up. It seemed to Dib that, even if he exposed Zim, he would still get no thanks and would be made fun of even more, and he was afraid of that. Every paranormal investigator has been laughed at, but this was ridiculous. All of humanity seemed narrow-minded and dim-witted. If they couldn't perceive a threat…then why should he?

Dib suddenly sat up, caught up in this revelation.

Yes! Why _should_ he be the only one to know of Zim's threat? Why? Humanity deserved to be annihilated, after what he'd been through. He could just pretend that Zim was a normal human being, and maybe he, Dib, could live a normal life. He could still investigate other paranormal events (secretly, of course). His only regret would be that he would have succumbed to changing his life so that people would like him more. But since they would all be wiped out anyway, who cared? Actually, _he_ didn't need to be wiped out…

Dib swung his legs over the side of his bed, thinking hard. Maybe…maybe he could make a…truce with Zim. He and Zim could be friends! He and Zim weren't that different if you thought about it. They hated a lot of the same things. They also agreed on a lot of the same things. Zim's robot…thing seemed to like him. So what was there to lose? He should go over there right now and tell Zim that he was resigning as besieger of his plans.

A friend… 

A real friend, not Gaz, who ultimately hated him with all her heart, but a friend, a true friend, someone he could sit with at lunch, someone he could talk to, someone who wouldn't call him crazy, his one source of sanity in this insane world…

Dib leapt off the bed in his excitement, and, slipping on a floppy disk, went smashing face-first onto the floor.

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Face slightly smarting from the floppy incident, Dib hurried up the path in front of Zim's house. He ran up to the front door and knocked hurriedly, shooting a worried glance at the lawn gnomes.

Please, Zim, please just this once don't set your lawn gnomes on me… 

As Dib bobbed up and down in impatience, nobody answered the door. He frowned, rang the doorbell, and resumed his bobbing.

The door opened a little, and the robot poked his head out and looked at Dib.

"Yahoo!" it screamed, clapping its hands together and stomping its feet. "Are you here to play with me?"

"Maybe later," Dib said quickly, pushing past him and running into the house.

Gir stood in the living room for a few seconds, then sniffled.

"Dib and his head don't wanna play with me…" he said sadly, then pulled a stuffed pig out of nowhere and held it up in the air above his head.

"GUESS YOU'LL HAFTA DO, PIG!"

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"Zim! Zim!" Dib called, running off the descending platform before it even touched the ground. The platform had taken him down to Zim's secret base, but Dib was too absorbed in finding Zim to take in its splendor.

"Zim!"

Zim spun around in his chair at the sound of Dib's voice. "Huh?"

Zim saw Dib running toward him, his arms outstretched, and he let out a terrified shriek, thinking that Dib was going to squeeze him until his squeedelyspooch exploded.

Dib, reaching Zim, clasped him by his shoulders.

"Zim! You'll never guess why I'm here!" he began.

Zim continued to scream in terror, not listening to Dib.

"I'm here becaue-"

"AAAH!"

"Listen! I'm here because-"

"AAAAH!!"

"I said LISTEN! I'm here because-"

"AAAAAAH!!!"

"GrrRRR-SHUT UP AND LISTEN!!!"

Zim shut up and listened.

"I'm here because I want to call it quits, or make a truce," Dib said, stepping back and letting go of Zim's shoulders.

Zim blinked. "What's the catch, fleshy Earth boy?"

"Nothing! I was just thinking, I was tired of all the abuse at school and at home and at the mall and, well, everywhere, so I decided I should just quit. You can go ahead and destroy humanity. I won't get in your way any longer."

Zim stared at him in surprise. "Really?"

Dib nodded. "Mm-hm. I was thinking maybe…we could be…friends?"

Zim snorted. "Friends, huh? And what makes you think that you, Dib-scum, have anything in common with me, Zim…uh…superior?"

Dib straightened. "A lot, actually. We both hate a lot of the same things. We also agree on a lot of the same things. Remember Super-Peepi?"

Zim stared at him. "No- Wait! Yes I do! Hey, but you didn't do that much to help me!"

Dib scowled at the floor angrily. "That's 'cause they put me in a crazy bucket. And then you kicked me while I was in it, and I crashed into a tank!"

Zim laughed nervously. "Oh yes, I remember. Good times, they were."

"Not for me!" Dib yelled. "But anyways…what do you think?"

Zim studied Dib's outstretched hand thoughtfully.

"As long as this isn't a trap, or a ploy, or a setup, and as long as you promise not to mess up my plans or expose me, then…"

Dib leaned forward eagerly. "Then?"

"Then…I…oh what the heck! Why not?" Zim said, shaking Dib's hand.

"Yes!" Dib yelled happily, then caught Zim up in a hug. Zim struggled weakly.

"I'm so glad that I've finally found someone like me!"

"Argh! Dib! Crushing! Squeedely! Spooch!"

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Grk! Losing…feeling…in…fingers…"

"Zim? Are you okay?"

"…the pain…"

"…oops…well, it won't always be like this. With me, crushing you."

"Need time…to heal…go play…with Gir…"

"OK, pal!" Dib skipped off happily to the platform/elevator and ascended to the living room, leaving Zim to lie in a crumpled heap of pain on the floor.

End of chapter one! Or maybe even the story? What do you think? Shall the friendship live on? Or shall it end in a heapin' pile o' pain? Tell me what you thought! Peace and love, and Dib is so cool!

Quote for…Ionno…now? :"I don't care HOW delicious he is!" –Zim (The Girl Who Cried Gnome)


	2. Chapter 2

Ha ha ha ha ha…being the idiot that I am, I forgot to mention that Invader Zim is copyrighted and owned by Jhonen Vasquez in the first chapter. Don't hurt me! And now, round two!

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As Dib stood alone in the deserted carnival fairgrounds, he found his mind wandering back to the Super-Peepi incident that happened here months ago. To defeat the mutant hamster…thing, he and Zim had to work together for the first time (although Dib wouldn't call being put in a crazy bucket by the military work). Many signs remained of the ancient battle: charred marks on the ground, smashed roller coasters, tank treads…The missing ferris wheel was the most obvious, though, and somehow people didn't find all these signs suspicious. Given the limited intelligence of the average human, Dib still found the fact that no one asked what happened at the fairgrounds surprising. Most people loved the Ferris wheel.

Dib heard footsteps approaching from behind, and he whirled around to face them.

"Zim!" he yelled suspiciously. "What are _you_ doing here?"

Zim stopped walking and stared at Dib blankly.

"What do you mean, _what am I doing here_? _You're_ the one who told me to come here, remember?" Zim yelled irritably.

Dib blinked. "Uh, oh yeah. Sorry. Just an old habit of mine, I guess."

Zim frowned. "Yes, you did love to yell at me as I recall. Anyways, you chose this spot for the secret base of operation Plan Devisement, so I have brought the blank paper and ingenious brain of Zim for the devisement of the plans."

"Is, uh, devisement a word?"

"Yes. Just not in your language. Don't ask stupid questions, Dib."

------------------------------

"And then we drop the giant pigs here-"

Zim accidentally poked Dib with his arm.

"Don't touch me!" Dib yelled, and smacked Zim across the face.

Zim shook his head, dazed from the might of Dib's smack.

"Whoops, heh, sorry, Zim," Dib said embarrassedly, rubbing the back of his head. "Old habits die hard."

"That _hurt_ hard," Zim complained, rubbing his face as he sat up. "You almost made my contacts fly off."

"Uh, well, speaking of fly, go back to the giant pigs plan."

"Right!"

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Half an hour later, Dib rushed home as quickly as he could, leaving a scattered path of destruction as he hurtled over fences, jumped from rooftop to rooftop, dodged vicious dogs, and stopped for an ice cream cone (in the shape of a cute little alien, of course).

"Gotta! Watch! Mys! Teri! Ous! Mys! Ter! Ies!" he panted to himself as he rounded the corner and rushed up the path leading up to his home.

He flung the door open and lunged for the couch. The result of his landing caused a bowl of popcorn on one of the couch cushions to fly up into the air and hit the floor, spilling out some of the popcorn. Dib ignored it, focused on the show.

"Today, on Mysterious Mysterys, we have special footage of Frankenchokey-"

Gaz walked into the room, and stopped mid-step when she saw the bowl of overturned popcorn. She looked from the bowl to Dib and scowled.

"Dib," she threatened, "you have spilled my popcorn for the last time! I will-"

"Shut up, you freakin' spaz," Dib said, slightly angry. "Mysterious Mysterys is on."

Gaz's eye twitched.

"What did you say?"

Dib shot her a sideways glare. "You heard me."

Gaz folded her arms and looked at him fixedly. "Where'd you get the backbone?"

"From the toilet plunger," Dib said, not really listening to her.

Gaz waited until she was out of Dib's earshot before she burst out laughing.

---------------------------------

_Brrrrrriiiiiing!_

Zim jerked awake with a loud snort.

"Ah, yes, wonderful lesson, Miss Bitters, absolutely fascinating," he babbled, still drowsy.

As the rest of the kids shuffled out into the hallway, headed for the cafeteria, Zim sleepily packed up his stuff and crammed it into his backpack.

Hoisting his backpack onto his shoulders, Zim sensed someone looking at him. He spun around to find…

Nothing.

Puzzled, Zim turned around to pretend to eat food in the cafeteria.

Dib stood right in front of him.

"DAH!" Zim screamed, falling over backwards.

Dib laughed and, after seeing that Zim couldn't get back on his feet because of the weight of the backpack, hoisted him back onto his feet.

"That wasn't funny, Dib-monkey," Zim said angrily, scowling and folding his arms. "I just used the fall-backwards defense. Everyone knows that."

"Of course you did, Zim," Dib laughed, rolling his eyes.

"Out of the way! I must venture to the cafeteria, where I can gorge myself sick on human food," Zim announced, walking around Dib and out into the hall.

"Great! I'll come!" Dib called, running to catch up.

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Dib frowned in disgust as the gelatinous ooze plopped down onto his plate.

"I hate corn and mayonnaise day," he muttered as he walked away.

Every day, Dib scanned the cafeteria for a place to sit. Every day, he sat with Gaz. Today, however, was different.

"Heya, Zim! Whatcha eatin'?" Dib asked cheerfully, sitting down across from him. "Actually, I know what you're eating, so don't answer that question."

"What are you doing, Dib-scum?" Zim asked angrily, narrowing his eyes. "Go sit with that terrifying sister of yours."

"What? Why can't I sit with you?" Dib asked.

"Cuz! I said so!"

"Well that's a stupid reason."

"You're a stupid person!"

"Hey!"

The popular blonde girl and her friends watched Zim and Dib arguing.

"Look at those freaks," the blonde said disgustedly. "No wonder they're so unpopular. They're always arguing."

"Yeah, and they don't have cell phones, either," a brown-haired girl said.

The blonde glanced around nervously. Her cell phone was snatched away by a mysterious person during the presidential election between Zim and Willy.

"Having a cell phone doesn't make you cool!" she said quickly. "Accessories are just add-ons to a person's initial coolness!"

There were "oh"'s and "ah"'s as the girls nodded in understanding.

"Anyway," the blonde continued, satisfied that whether or not you had a cell phone didn't matter, "Zim and Dib are always having quarrels. It's like listening to an old married couple. 'Cept they're not old. Or married."

"Or a couple," a red-headed girl reminded. (Yes, her head is actually red.)

"Not YET they aren't!" the blonde girl said loudly. "But one of my acquaintances can make them appear to be a couple! Or at least start a fan club dedicated to them as a couple. Let me borrow one of your guy's cell phones."

The girls all looked at each other, then back at the blonde.

"We don't have cell phones. We threw them all away after you told us they were add-ons," the brown-haired girl said. The other girls nodded and pointed to a garbage can where several cell phones lay.

The blonde blinked. "You threw them away? How did you do that? You haven't moved from this table the entire time we've been here!"

The girls shrugged, and the blonde sighed in frustration.

"Now I have to use a common _pay_ phone," she snarled angrily, getting up from the table and stomping out of the cafeteria to one of the pay phones located outside.

-----------------------------------

In the end, Dib decided to sit with Gaz. After all, no matter how bad things got, she was still his little sister, and as she had no friends, he wanted to keep her company. He spotted her sitting at a table by herself, playing her Game Slave 2. He started to make his way over to her when something wet hit the side of his face, causing him to drop his tray. He staggered back and wiped his face with the back of one hand.

"What the-!?" he sputtered in disbelief. Someone had actually had the guts to touch the corn and mayonnaise and throw it at his head! The person's hand was probably glued shut by now!

A little bit daunted, he hurried over to Gaz's table.

"So, Gaz, you beat the final level yet?" he asked, sliding in next to her and keeping a sharp eye out for any more handfuls of mayonnaisey corn.

"What?" she asked, surprised that her brother was actually interested in the video game she was playing. "O-oh. No, I haven't yet. Don't talk to me. I need to concentrate."

"OK," he said, scanning the cafeteria for a possible suspect for the thrown glop of food.

_Let's see…it hit the right side of my face, so I can look at the right side of the room, or I can just look for someone with a hand that's glued shut. Hm. The way some of these kids eat, most of them probably have their hands glued shut. This might be difficult…_

"Dib!"

Dib jerked out of his thoughts at the sound of Gaz's voice.

"Yeah, what is it, Gaz?"

"Look! I'm at the final level," she said, pointing.

"Hey, that's great, Gaz! Good luck beating it!" he said, smiling encouragingly before going back to his thoughts.

Gaz was silent as she deftly maneuvered through the level. To her surprise, she made it through on her first try, and she didn't take any hits, either.

She slyly glanced sideways at Dib. Maybe her brother _wasn't _the one jinxing her…

She suddenly looked through the window behind her to see a voodoo priest waving around a Gaz doll with a Game Slave 2. He stopped suddenly when he realized he had been spotted, and looked scared.

"I'll be right back," she said, sliding off her seat and heading out of the cafeteria.

"Mm," Dib said, peering around the cafeteria. He suddenly stopped, realizing that Gaz didn't have her precious Game Slave 2 with her. Something really important must have come up, or else she wouldn't have left it out in the open-

Torque Smacky snatched the game system off the table.

"I've been wanting one of these," he said, stuffing it in his pocket and walking off. "Thanks, freak."

Forgetting everything except that Smacky was stealing from his little sister, Dib leapt out of his seat and landed in front of Smacky.

"You better give that back, Torque!" he said angrily, trying to block Smacky's way.

"Or what?" Torque asked, leering down at him.

"Or else…I'll fight you!" Dib snarled, putting up his fists.

"Hah! I'll crush you, freak kid!" Torque chortled, and took a swing.

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As Gaz approached the cafeteria, she heard shouts and yelling. It sounded like a fight.

"Go Dib!"

"Go Smacky! Beat his ass!"

"Dib! You crazy fool! What are you doing!?"

"AAGH! I can't open my hand!"

Gaz burst through the doors to see a horrible scene. Dib, bruised and bloody, but still standing. Smacky, with some of Dib's blood on his fists, sneering. A crowd of kids, jeering and catcalling spectators.

As Gaz tried to push her way through the crowd, she heard Dib and Smacky talk.

"You ready to give up yet, little man?" Smacky called.

"Never!" Dib yelled, wiping blood off his face with his sleeve. "I'll never give up! Not until every bone in my body is broken, until my muscles are bruised and aching, or until my spirit is broken and tattered will I give up!"

"Well, I don't know about those other things, but I can give you a broken and tattered face!" Smacky yelled, and aimed a punch right at Dib's nose.

The rest seemed to happen in slow motion. Smacky's fist slowly coming toward his face. Then Gaz (was she flying? No, she was leaping) leaping out of the crowd and sinking her teeth into the arm Smacky had just started to punch with. Smacky, howling like some sort of wounded bear, flailing about. The Game Slave 2, somehow flying out of Smacky's pocket and landing in Dib's lap. The crowd, letting out an enormous cheer as Dib stared down at the device in his lap in amazement. The last thought in his head before he passed out, that here he was trying to protect his little sister and here she was protecting him…

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Dun dun DUN! End of chapter 2! Hurray! This is longer than before. Heh, sorry, I just couldn't stop writing. Hope you enjoy!

Quote for…now?: "Praise me, PRAISE ME!!" –GIR, (GIR Goes Crazy and Stuff)


	3. chapter 3

Chapter 3! What will happen to Dib! Oooooooooh!

…

All right, I'll shut up now.

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"All right, back off, everyone! Back off or suffer the wrath of Zim and the scary Dib-sister!" Zim yelled, swinging a janitor's mop that he somehow acquired.

Gaz was kneeling by Dib, who had passed out.

"Poor Dib," she whispered sadly. "He was just trying to help me…"

"YOU! Stink child with the hand that is stuck shut! Step away or suffer the consequences!"

Zim swung the mop, sending several kids flying away with various animal noises.

"Good! I think we're safe now!" Zim announced as the kids scattered. "The earth-children fear the might of Zim."

Smacky staggered forward with a large bite mark in one of his arms.

"I'll…make you…sorry…you messed…with Torque Smacky!" he roared, charging forward and flailing.

Simultaneously, Gaz's and Zim's heads whipped up, saw Smacky, grabbed some corn and mayonnaise off nearby trays, and flung a handful into Smacky's eyes. The mayonnaisey corn took immediate effect.

"Augh! My eyes!" Torque yelled, stumbling around blindly. "It burns!"

"Hey! Where are you going?" Zim called after Gaz, who had picked up Dib and was carrying him out of the cafeteria.

"I'm going to take Dib home," she said. "He needs to rest, and Dad'll know how to help him heal."

Zim scratched his wig (gently, so it wouldn't fall off), puzzled. He didn't understand these human emotions. He also didn't fully understand what being a friend meant. Maybe he should do some research…

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Dib was aware of someone carrying him. His head felt heavy, and he felt groggy and woozy, but his stubborn pride made him speak up.

"Hey…please put me down…I can walk…"

The person hesitated, then gently set him on his feet. Dib stood still for a moment with his eyes still closed so he could wait for the world to stop spinning. After it slowed down a bit, he opened his eyes.

"Gaz?"

His emotionless sister had carried him home?

Seeing Gaz brought back the fight. Dib dug around in his pockets for the Game Slave 2. He finally pulled it out of one of his inner pockets of his trench coat.

"Here, Gaz," he said, handing it to her. "Somehow I managed to hold on to it during the fight. I not sure if it's broken or not, and I'm sorry if it is. You should-"

Gaz suddenly buried her face against his shirt, and Dib found himself patting her head.

What a crazy day…then again, I am crazy, so this should all be normal for me, right?

"Shut up, Dib!" she said, a little muffled. Was she crying?

"You're horrible! It was such a stupid thing to do! Why did you fight? Why? You can't fight! You know that! Why did you? You shouldn't have! You shouldn't! You shouldn't have…"

They stood there in the middle of the sidewalk in silence for a while, then Dib spoke up.

"I don't know what happened, Gaz," he said out loud, as though talking to himself as well as Gaz. "I just got so angry when I saw that jerk take your Game Slave…"

Gaz didn't say anything. Dib thought he heard her sniffle.

"Gaz, are _you_ all right? I saw you leap at Smacky and bite his arm. Good pair of choppers ya got," he said, trying to make her feel better (for whatever the reason was that she wasn't).

Gaz chuckled a little, then stepped away from him and quickly turned her back to him. Dib waited a little while as she gained her composure.

"You okay, Gaz?"

"Forget it. Let's just go home."

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"Hello, son! And how was your day at school?" the floating image of Professor Membrane asked.

"Mmuhmm," Dib muttered, quickly walking towards his room.

"That's great. And how about you, honey? How was _your_ day at school?"

Gaz stalked in, her usual aura of horror restored. "There was a fight."

"Oh? Between who?"

Gaz was silent for a moment. "Between Dib and Torque Smacky."

Membrane gasped. "Torque Smacky? That big child? And _my_ son? How? Dib knows better than to get into fights! It ends in pain! Ah, well, he is insane. Who knows what he thinks. Did he say what the cause of the fight was?"

Gaz plopped down onto the couch. "It was because…Torque took my Game Slave. Dib got angry and told him to give it back. Torque didn't, so Dib said that he would fight him for it. And so…Dib's…his face…he's all…bloody and…two black eyes…cuts on his face…everywhere…"

Gaz trailed off, and Membrane seized the opportunity to ask more questions.

"Were _you_ involved in any way? Did you get hurt?"

"No, I…bit Torque on his arm. And threw corn and mayonnaise in his eye."

"Yup, that's my daughter, tactful as ever. Well, I suppose I should see to your brother. The way you described it, he must be beaten up pretty badly."

The projected image whizzed upstairs to Dib's room. The door was closed, and Professor Membrane decided that, after calling several times, Dib had fallen asleep. He hovered away.

-------------------------------------------

Dib waited until the hovering projection of his dad had gone away, and then sighed. His face felt swollen badly, and it hurt his ribs and his legs to move. Everything hurt. Breathing, blinking…sleep would probably give him nightmares, but that was a chance he would have to take…

A mechanical spider leg tapped on his window. Dib hurried over and quickly opened it.

Zim was attached to the side of Dib's house by his spider legs and was holding a jar of murky green liquid that looked like swamp water.

"Hey, Zim," Dib sighed, stepping back from the window so that Zim could come in.

Zim dropped onto Dib's bed, his spider legs retracting into the small pack on his back. He held out the jar of liquid and Dib took it, not quite sure what to do with it.

Zim sighed, and Dib got the feeling that he was embarrassed.

"I had Gir make some soup for you. I wouldn't eat it though; I saw him dumping everything he could get his hands on into the pot," Zim warned.

Dib frowned slightly, confused. "Uh, thanks? Why…why did you do this?"

Zim shrugged. "It said that when friends are sick, they bring each other soup to make them feel better. Although the soup's usually not made by a crazy robot."

"Thanks, Zim," Dib said, looking down at the jar. "This is all new to me, you know? The friend stuff."

"Well it's not any better for me!" Zim declared, folding his arms. "My good deed is done. I'm going home now."

"Aww…you're just shy."

"What? Zim is not shy! I just, ah, have much business to attend to! And must leave! Now."

"Come 'ere!"

"Ouch! My antennae! You pulled it, Dib! Let go! Ow!"

"Wow! Your wig feels like real hair!"

"Give it back! Give it back or suffer!"

"Hey, how do I look?"

"Stupid! You look stupid, Dib! Now give me my wig back!"

"No! I'm gonna keep it!"

"You dare-"

Dib gave him a quick peck on the cheek to shut him up.

"AAAUGH! It burns! The lips!"

Zim snatched his wig back and scurried out the window. There was a barely audible thump and a cry of "My Squeedelyspooch!"

Dib eyed the jar suspiciously, and decided he would make his own soup.

_So kisses burn Zim, huh? Gotta write that down… _

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"I'm _fine_, Dad."

"Huh? Did you say something, son?"

"No, nothing important, I guess."

Dib was slightly wary of going to school, with the fight still vivid in his mind and evident on his face. Dib had to put ice on his eyes for a few days to make the swelling go down, but they still hurt.

"Come on, Gaz, let's walk to school."

----------------------------------------

End of chapter 3! Yahoo. That peck is about as lovey as it's gonna get. Love burns Zim, I guess. It might be a while before I post again. Keep those reviews comin'!

Quote for…now?: "Go home and shave that big head of yours with your bad self!" –Zim (Backseat Drivers From Outer Space)


	4. chapter 4

Chapter 4! Dun dun DAH! What awaits Dib at school? waves Dirty Chicken toy around Oooooooooooh! Diiiiib! Dirty Chicken rips Crud, now I have to start writing…

-----------------------------------

The first thing Dib noticed was that Zim covered his face up whenever he saw Dib. The second thing he noticed was a group of girls taking pictures of him and Zim. And the last thing he noticed was that Torque Smacky wasn't at school.

"Hey," he said, tapping a girl with a camera, "where's Torque Smacky?"

The girl giggled nervously before, during, and after she answered. "Tee hee, he's, tee hee, suspended for, tee hee, fighting. Tee hee."

"Hm. Uh, thanks, I…guess," he said, backing up as the girl advanced upon him with her camera.

"Can I take a picture of you because I answered your question? I can? Great!"

Blinded by the flash, Dib staggered around for a while before grabbing onto someone and accidentally pulling them down with him. Dib blinked as his eyes cleared. He was holding onto Zim.

The girlish squeal behind him was the only warning he got before the horrific barrage of flashing cameras began.

Trying to escape the crazy camera girls, Zim and Dib found themselves staggering down the hallway blindly, groping the air in front of them like zombies. Once or twice they got tangled up and fell again, and the cameras would flash, starting their stumbling journey all over again.

--------------------------------------

By the time they reached Miss Bitters class, they both felt sick. Staggering around with flashing lights in your face is very disorienting. Miss Bitters, however, was merciless.

"Zim! Dib! Both of you are late! Unfortunately, I have to admit you into class because of your new popular statuses. Take your seats. NOW!"

They both flung themselves into their seats. Once seated in an upright position, Zim and Dib shot each other a glance. Popular statuses?

There was some giggling behind Zim, and he turned around. Zeta blushed and giggled some more.

"What? What is it that you find so funny about Zim? Tell me! Tell me now or you shall suffer!!!" Zim threatened, getting worked up and leaping onto Zeta's desk.

Zeta giggled once more before answering. "It's nothing funny. I just think that you and Dib are so cute together!"

Zim was dumbfounded. "Eh? Together? Cute? But Zim is the only cute one! Maybe I make up for his lack of good looks. AAGH!!"

Zim screamed at the sudden pile of folded paper on Dib's desk. Now Dib would have a nearly infinite amount of ammo to throw balled up notes at him!

To his surprise, Dib opened one of the folded pieces of paper and read something on it, turned red, crumpled it up, and threw it out the window. Then Dib turned around and whispered to one of the smiling girls, "Never!"

The girl laughed evilly. "You know you want to."

"No, you want me to. You're sick. You write anymore of that stuff, and no more pictures."

She smirked. "Oh, we'll get pictures. You can't stop us with mere threats."

Dib turned around and faced forward in his seat, scowling. He had to devise a plan to divert the crazy camera girls. They would probably stalk him and Zim to the ends of the neighborhood…

_So the stalkers become the stalked. How ironic. I didn't want to be popular. Just normal. I wonder how Zim's dealing with this…_

_------------------------------------------_

On the opposite side of the room, Zim wasn't faring much better.

"You and Dib should jump on each other and bang it all night long. From, Stalker Kate."

Zim made a face of disgust. "Hey, what is this!? Who dares send Zim this horrible note? WHO?"

"It says Kate, stupid!"

"KATE! From this day forth, you shall rue the day you picked up a pencil, scribbled this thought from your sick imagination down, and gave it to Zim! Start ruing, miserable worm!"

"Why don't you and Dib start wooing each other? Hee hee!"

"NEVER! I don't know what this woo means, but from the vomity look on Dib's face I can tell that it's not good!"

"Zim, I don't think vomity's a word."

"Aw, look, Zim's boyfriend is trying to correct his grammar. Awwwwww!"

---------------------------------------------

At lunch, Zim and Dib hid in the boys' bathroom from the crazy camera girls.

"Zim, we need to come up with a plan to destroy these girls!" Dib whispered frantically. "I don't think they're human!"

"They're not!" Zim yelled, alerting their presence to several girls roaming the halls. "They're little hell-spawned beasts with a passion for the gross!"

"Hey, girls! They're in the bathroom! Maybe they're making luuuuurrrrrve!"

"Well, I'm glad I'm near a toilet right now," Dib sighed, turning around and lifting up the lid.

"Why?"

"Cuz I'm gonna hurl."

--------------------------------------------

After school, they sprinted to Zim's house for shelter.

"All right, Zim, since these girl-things are hell-spawned, how can we send them back?" Dib asked.

Zim had been watching TV. "Eh?"

"You said those girls were hell-spawned! How do we send them back?"

"Oh…I think I have a book or something on it somewhere. Let me go look for it."

Zim got off the couch and disappeared into the kitchen, and Dib sat down on the couch to wait for him. Taking the remote, Dib flipped the channel to Mysterious Mysterys. Gir sat down next to him. Dib sighed. It was a rerun. When the clip of Frankenchokey played, Gir shrieked in delight, startling Dib.

"What? What is it?" Dib asked, not sure why the robot was so happy.

"I seen him before!" Gir yelled.

"Really? Where? You have actual evidence?" Dib asked in surprise.

"Yep! I even gots me a picture! Wait here!"

Gir ran off into the kitchen, and Dib heard it rummaging around as though searching for something. Gir came running back in with something behind its back.

"Look! FRANKENCHOKEY!" Gir yelled, thrusting a box of Frankenchokey cereal into Dib's face.

Dib tried hard not to smile but failed. "Yes, that's very good. You should report your discovery to Mysterious Mysterys."

"I will!" Gir screamed, and dashed out of the house with the box of Frankenchokey cereal.

Zim came out of the kitchen holding a very thick old book. He sat down next to Dib on the couch and started to look for a solution. Dib continued to watch the old Mysterious Mysterys show. Every now and then he would hear the fluttering of a page turning. Suddenly, the Poisonberry clip was replaced by a LIVE sign. The screen then showed Gir waving frantically and standing next to the host of Mysterious Mysterys.

"This amazing boy has found actual evidence that Frakenchokey exists! He says that Frankenchokey left his cereal at his house. Who would you like to dedicate your findings to, son?"

"I wanna say hi to Zim, my master, Dib, the big-headed boy-"

"Dib!? I hate that kid!"

"No, he's nice. And I wanna-"

Dib suddenly became aware of the fact that Zim wasn't turning the pages of the book anymore. Looking over, he saw that Zim had fallen asleep.

"Zim?" he asked, leaning over.

Zim suddenly fell over sideways, fast asleep and snoring, onto Dib's leg. Flushing red, Dib tried to wake him up.

"Zim? Zim. ZIM! Zim! ZimZimZim! Zimmy Zim Zim!"

Zim continued to snore peacefully, oblivious to Dib's name-calling.

_Huh. Well, I guess I'll just sit here with Zim asleep on me for God knows how long…_

A sudden flash at the window caught Dib's attention, and the following giggle confirmed his fears. He leapt off the couch, throwing Zim off as well.

"ZIM! The psycho stalker hell girls are back!"

"Huh, wha?"

"Wake up! They're here, now! Activate your defenses!"

"Duh-uuuh…Computer! Activate house perimeter defenses to fight off hell girls!"

Dib and Zim each watched from a window. The girls dodged the gnomes and their lasers with inhuman speed and quickly destroyed them with their stalker strength. Zim shrieked.

"My gnomes!"

"Ssh! Zim! They'll hear you!"

The girls quickly swarmed around the house, and Zim and Dib were forced to retreat into the kitchen.

"Quick! Give me that book!" Dib said, reaching for the thick book Zim had been reading.

Zim snorted. "If I couldn't find it, what makes you think you can?"

Dib pointed to a table of contents on the first page.

"I knew that," Zim scoffed.

"All right, it says that in order to send these girls to their doom, we have to kiss them. They are utterly destroyed by…cooties. Cooties don't even exist!"

"Silence! If we must kiss them, them kiss them we shall!"

------------------------------------------

The girls gathered around the house waited eagerly for another photo opportunity.

The door to Zim's house suddenly swung open, and Zim and Dib launched themselves into the midst of the swarm.

Smooch!

"Ugh, they're all clammy!"

Boom!

"Hey! That girl I smooched exploded!"

"Er…what's a kiss again, Dib?"

"That thing I did with my lips where you screamed that it burned."

"Oh! THAT accursed thing! I can do that!"

Smooch!

"Uck! Human filth!"

Boom!

Smooch!

"Hey, it's working!"

Boom! Boom! Boom!

"Geez, what are you doing to them, Dib?"

"I blew up more than you did, Zim!"

"What? An invader bested by an earth child? Unheard of! Prepare yourself for the most vicious kisses you have ever seen!"

------------------------------------------

And on that…interesting note we end chapter 4. Cooties. Ha ha. Where DO stalker girls come from? Hell, I think. Or maybe from too much free time. Or lack of a boyfriend. All sorts of places probably. Girls are freakin' scary.

Quote for…now?: "You can hide Zim, but you can't…hide!" –Dib (Bad, Bad Rubber Piggy


	5. chapter 5

Allrighty, chapter 5! For some reason I wanna say Zib and Dim…maybe I've been writing too much…ah well. Pay no attention to my babblings. On with the show! …story, I mean. You know what I'm incoherently rambling, right?

-----------------------------------------------

Exhausted from their battle against the hellspawned stalker girls, Zim and Dib collapsed together on Zim's front yard.

"Cooties," Dib muttered. "Those aren't even real!"

"Don't question the book!" Zim yelled, and managed to thrust a finger into the air in victory. "We have succeeded, thanks to the almighty knowledge of the book of Victory!"

"Is that really what it's called?"

"Yes."

"You made it up, didn't you?"

"YOU LIE!!!"

"Ah! You poked me in the eye, Zim!"

"YOU LIE!!"

"No, you did!"

"LIES!"

"You're not even listening, are you?"

"LIIIIIIES!!!"

"…uh, I'll just…go home then…"

"Stop spreading your filthy earth lies, Dib! No one's buying them! Are you listening, Dib? Hey! Where'd he go?"

--------------------------------------------

"Gaz, have you noticed my sudden boost in popularity recently at school?"

"Only if it means you aren't going to hang out with me anymore."

"Of course I'll hang out with you, Gaz!" Dib promised. "I don't even know how to be popular."

"Good, 'cause popular people are annoying. Hey, you're perfect!"

"…ha ha."

"Ah, it's good to see my funny child and my crazy child getting along. Usually those things don't mix well together," Professor Membrane said.

"Were you planning on mixing us?" Dib asked.

"Well, now that you mention it…"

Dib and Gaz made a run for their rooms.

----------------------------------------------

"Bleeeeeeegh! I HATE female earth human flesh! I shall never kiss again! NEVER!" Zim declared.

"Aw, you went kissing? You should have brought me along! I luuuurve kissing!" Gir said.

"Well, Gir, it happens that Dib and I used cooties to DESTROY the freakish stalker girl scum!"

"Woooooooow! I WANNA HEAR THE STORY!"

"Not now, Gir, I don't have time-"

"I WANNA I WANNA I WANNA I WANNA I WANNA-"

"ALLRIGHT! Dib was puzzled, and had absolutely no clue what to do, so I had the genius idea of using cooties to destroy the girls…"

------------------------------

The weekend. Still Dib's least favorite part of the week. His mind still wandered and pondered his life and what he was meant for. He thought he wanted all of humanity destroyed, and yet he was still protective of Gaz. Maybe just his family could be spared. The rest could be destroyed.

What about that girl with the freakish teeth? The one who gave you tons of meat on Valentine's Day?

Well, she had laughed at him and called him crazy as well.

Still…

"Aw, who cares!" he said out loud, getting off his bed and pacing. "Let them go! They don't care about you, and if you care about them, you're going to get nothing but pain in return! So give up on them already!"

"Still," he countered, "they are human, and I still have my sense of humanity…if I lost my sense of humanity, then I would become either a homicidal maniac or a Zimish person. Hm. I kinda like those ideas…No! I gotta keep my sense of humanity and protect my family ONLY! The rest can fend for themselves."

"Keep your crazy talking out loud to yourself, son!" Professor Membrane called.

--------------------------------------

Dib came over to Zim's house on Sunday.

Knock knock.

Zim opened the door a crack, and flung it open when he saw it was Dib.

"Dib! What took you so long! Get inside quick!" Zim hissed, and yanked Dib inside.

"Wha?"

"An alien death bug got loose outside! You're in danger if you leave the house before-"

Zim glanced at a clock.

"Ten o' clock!"

Dib blinked. "Wow! It's a good thing I brought over these Twilight Zone tapes!"

"Yes, it is most fortunate! Come, to the couch! We must begin the viewing of these zones now!" Zim declared, marching over to the sofa.

Gir tugged on Dib's sleeve. Dib leaned down so Gir could whisper in his ear.

"There isn't really a death bug. Master was just lonely and overexcited to see you."

"GIR! What lies are you poisoning his mind with now?"

"I just told him that you were lonely!"

"LIES! Filthy robot lies! Don't believe him, Dib! He doesn't think like us! Quickly, put the tape on!"

Dib popped the tape into the VCR and sat back on the couch, drinking a Poop soda.

------------------------------------

Dib, having seen all the Twilight Zone episodes, quickly fell asleep on Zim's shoulder. Zim, fascinated by the shows, grew agitated.

"Dib! Get your fathead off of me!"

Dib drooled a little, and Zim watched it soak into the couch,

"Dib! This is your last warning! Move your ginormous head or suffer!"

No response from Dib. Zim slapped him awake.

"Agh! Hey! I wasn't! Ow! Zim! I'm awake! I'm awake! Ew, there's drool everywhere!"

"That's from you, fool! Your nasty mouth leaked it all over the couch of Zim! Now you have to watch these zones from the floor! Off! Off the couch, Dib!"

Dib muttered something and settled himself on the floor. Gir immediately ran over and jumped on top of Dib's head.

"Yahoo! Time for some zone-watchin'!"

"My head isn't a chair, you know."

"Quiet, chair-head! I can't hear the zone man!"

"I hate the abuse I get at this house."

"This has nothing to do with relatives of mooses! Silence!"

----------------------------------------------

At 8 o' clock, the Twilight zone tapes had all been watched.

"You can go home now, Dib. It's safe."

"But I thought you said I should stay 'til 10."

"Uh, well, it turns out the death bug got squished, so, it's safe now. Bye bye!"

Zim pushed Dib out the door.

-----------------------------------

"Where'd you go?" Gaz asked as Dib walked in the front door.

"To Zim's house," he replied, sitting next to her on the couch. "We watched the Twilight Zone tapes I have."

"Really? That sounds dumb," she said, but Dib thought he detected some jealousy in her voice.

"Next week I'm bringing over the Night Gallery. You can come if you want."

"Hmph! I GUESS I will, if I'm not busy."

-----------------------------------

The following school day presented Dib with some bad news. Torque Smacky had come back to school.

"Where's that runt, Zim? I'm gonna pound him for throwin' that crap and mayonnaise in my eyes!"

If Torque pounded Zim, then he might be revealed as an alien! Dib had to warn Zim or stop Smacky, or maybe even do both.

----------------------------

"Zim! Get over here! Now!" Dib hissed, motioning for Zim.

"What's wrong, Dib? You look kinda funny. No wait, that's how you always look. Ha ha-"

"Yeah, hilarious. Listen, Torque's looking for you. He says he's gonna pound you, and I just wanted you to be cautious, ok?"

"He's looking for _me_?" Zim asked. "It was that corn crap I threw in his eye, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, I think it was. Listen, this won't end until you do something about it. Are you gonna fight him, Zim?"

"ME? Lower myself to fight an idiot earth-monkey? I think not!"

"All right, I'll fight in your place then. See ya, Zim!"

Dib dashed off down the hallway.

"Allrigh- WAIT! You're gonna get your butt used as a mop! And your head as a broom! And, uh, good luck, I guess!"

----------------------------------

"Geez, Dib, you never learn, do you?" Torque said, shaking his head.

"I'm just here to tell you that you better leave Zim alone," Dib warned.

"Or what? You're gonna fight me again? I'm petrified. Get out of the way, I want to find Zim so I can beat his-"

"I'm not moving."

"You won't be after this."

Torque threw a punch.

---------------------------------

Zim rushed into the cafeteria to see Dib beaming triumphantly as he watched Torque roll around in pain on the floor. Zim's mouth dropped open.

"What did you _do_ to him, Dib?" Zim asked in awe.

"I just tripped him, and it kind of set off a chain reaction from there. He flew onto a table, slipped onto his back, and got hit in the face with some cafeteria food. Nothing to worry about, Zim."

"Human emotions. I'll never understand them."

------------------------------------

End of chapter 5. I hope it doesn't seem kind of cut off, but I was in a bit of a rush to finish. Oh well. Should I continue, or end here? Let me know!

Quote for…now?: "That was your fault, Gir. You're bad." –Zim (that episode with the slow green explosion)


	6. chapter 6

The long-awaited sixth chapter! I'm glad people told me to write more, 'cause otherwise I would have ended it at chapter 5. Thanks to the people who wrote reviews (and especially to the person I keep debating with through email. Very fun!)

-----------------------------

"Darn it!"

The popular blonde girl slammed her fist down on the table.

"I can't believe they didn't work!" she growled angrily.

"You can't believe _who_ didn't work?" her brown-haired friend asked.

"The rabid fangirls from hell!" the blonde said. "They failed! Oh well, at least they had a money-back guarantee."

A small group of girls with cameras gathered around Zim's table caught her attention.

"Oh, Zim," one of them called, "we've got your _boyfriend_ so that you two can be in pictures together!"

There was a yelled "No!" from Dib somewhere in the girls.

"I have no male earth fiend as my friend! And these pictures you want me in! Are they some sort of evidence that can be used against me?" Zim asked suspiciously.

"No, silly," the girl giggled. "They're pictures of you and Dib together, as friends. Close friends. _Extreeemely_ close friends."

Zim leapt up onto the table. "AH HA! I KNEW IT! YOU WERE LYING! You were trying to get evidence of the secret friendship between Dib and I! But now you won't know, because Zim will not allow these horrible pictures to be taken!"

There was some silence as Zim stood on the table pointing at the girls. Then Dib spoke up.

"I think you just told them, Zim."

Over the resulting outburst of squeals, the blonde turned back to her friends.

"Did you hear that?" she asked excitedly. "Zim and Dib have a _secret_ friendship! If I can expose the secret part of their friendship, they'll be ruined! Their popularity status will vanish! I'll be free to rule once again!"

"Uh, you know, neither of them are really very popular. They just kind of act the way they always do," the brown-haired girl said. "With their lovers' quarrels and all that."

The blonde continued, ignoring her. "Maybe those hell girls weren't a TOTAL failure. They seem to have spread some of their poison around and infected some of the girls here with Zim and Dib obsession. They'll be considered a couple _permanently_ for as long as they go here!"

The red-headed girl frowned. "What's the point of doing all this anyway?"

The blonde girl snorted. "Duh! To get rid of their popularity! It's a threat to us!"

The red-headed girl scratched her head in confusion. "But wasn't it partly your fault that they became popular in the first place?"

"Yeah, your hell girls made them popular!" the brown-haired girl chimed in.

"Well now I'm undoing it!" the blonde snapped.

"Sheesh, what a waste of resources," the brown-haired girl muttered.

----------------------------------

"You know, Dib," Zim said later on as they were walking down the hallway to their next class, "you should consider yourself lucky to be my friend."

"Why?"

"I ripped my last friend's eyes out."

Dib cringed.

"Yes, but it was necessary."

Dib looked confused. "Uh…how is ripping someone's eyes out necessary?"

"Silence! The boy was OBSSESSED with me! Not that I blame him, but still! Zim has no time for obsessive friend stalkers!"

"…um…I'm an obsessive…stalker…friend…"

Zim stopped and looked at Dib closely, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

"Hm…yes, but your eyes are too huge for me to rip out. Consider yourself lucky, Dibbuh."

"My _eyes_ are huge now, too?! Geez! It's your fault that everyone thinks my head's big!"

"That's because it _is_ big, Dib. The biggest head I have ever seen in my entire life!"

"Well that's the fakest _disguise_ I've ever seen in _my_ entire life!"

"Quit trying to degrade Zim to make yourself feel better, Dib-human! It's not working."

They walked on in silence for a few steps, and then Zim suddenly jumped in front of Dib.

"MY DISGUISE IS THE BEST ONE EVER MADE! ITS CLEVERNESS CONFUSES YOU!" he screamed, then ran off down the hall.

"Hah!" Dib laughed to himself. "I can still mess around with his head."

---------------------------------

After class, Dib waited out in the hall for Zim.

"Hey, Dib!" he called, wielding a book.

"Hey, Zim," Dib said back, squinting at the book to try and read its title. Before he could, Zim opened it up and began to read.

"I've been reading this book about friendship, Dib," Zim announced, reading it still as they walked down the hall together to the cafeteria.

"And? You think you got it down?" Dib asked.

"No, I HATE IT! You have to do all these horrible cheery things with some earth human! Ugh! Presents, and hugs, and dancing-"

"Uh…are you trying to say something, Zim?"

"I just said it!"

"So…you're saying…that…you hate friendship? Do you not want to be friends with me any-"

"What!? No, no," Zim laughed, dismissing Dib's conclusions with a wave of his hand. "I'm saying that certain things can be left out of friendships. Like HUGS! How I hate them…"

Dib sighed. So far, their so-called friendship wasn't working out very well. Maybe they should both try to find out more about what it means to be a friend.

Zim was still rambling on. "…and KISSES! Their horrible burning pain!"

"I think you're making that up, Zim," Dib said as they walked through the cafeteria doors. "You just don't want to admit that you like it."

"HA! Foolish earthen earth…creature!" Zim laughed. "You doubt Zim? Behold!"

Zim pecked Dib on the cheek and, after getting over his initial surprise, Dib realized his cheek felt like it was on fire.

"AAAGH! The pain! It buuuurns! Ouch!"

Zim watched Dib roll around on the floor screaming for a while. "Hm. It seems that Irken liquid makes Earth flesh burn. A new weapon for the destruction of humanity!"

"Zim, please! Keep it down! We're in the cafeteria! People might actually notice something if you keep yelling like that."

Despite some stinging, the pain had faded. Dib stood up, rubbing his face and giving Zim a dirty look.

"What!? You doubted the almighty Zim, and he gave you proof!"

"Humph! So now we know kisses are off limits. Big deal! That was a waste of time," Dib complained, folding his arms and trudging off to an empty table.

"Are you grumpy because you were proved wrong, Dib-beast? Or is it because Zim has bested you in the art of pain?"

"Are you gonna let me sit with you this time?"

"Never!"

"What's the point of being friends if we can't sit together!?"

"You're the one who wanted to be friends!"

"Exactly! So we could do friendly things!"

"Invading personal space is not friendly!"

"Yes it is!"

"No it's not!"

"Yes!" Dib sat down.

"No!" Zim pushed Dib off his seat.

Dib jumped to his feet and shoved Zim. Zim shoved back, and the next thing they knew they were fighting with each other. Again.

"Look at those freaks," the popular blonde girl said from across the room as several girls took pictures of Zim and Dib's fighting. "Always so eager for a chance to beat each other up. I bet they're sadists."

"Or maybe one's a sadist and the other's a masochist! I love that!" the red-headed girl exclaimed.

"Or maybe you're all crazy!" the brown-haired girl yelled, standing up.

The others stared at her in silence, then burst out laughing.

"You're so funny, Helen," they laughed as she sat back down, stony-faced.

"The only crazy one here is Dib!" the blonde said, and that made everyone but the brunette laugh even harder.

"Hmph!"

----------------------------------

Sitting together in the nurse's office, Zim and Dib slumped against each other.

"Maybe we're not so good at being friends, Zim," Dib sighed, holding some ice against a bloody cut on his face.

"Ha! Zim is…a great friend…" Zim said, out of breath and holding his wig so it wouldn't fall off.

"No," Dib said, "we stink. We're still fighting even as friends."

"You started it."

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"You did too!"

"Look! We're fighting again, Zim! I was right!"

"Yes you did!"

"…you're not listening, huh?"

"YES YOU DID!"

-------------------------------------

At home in his room, Dib looked up friendship online.

"Let's see…friendship. An invisible link between two people that inexplicably becomes stronger as the two know each other longer. They remain close over the years, and usually have common interests. Yes, yes," Dib sighed, scrolling down the page, "I know that already."

"Here's something about being a friend. Friends are always there for one another. Friends stick together, and don't desert each other in times of need. If one is unhappy, the other tries to cheer them up. They are separate parts of a whole, and if they ever meet, they will be eternally happy. Hey, this isn't bad! Wait," he said, leaning forward to squint at some text at the bottom of the article, "what does this say? For the rest of the text, please enter your credit card number. Great! It's one of those scam websites that depressed people go to to cheer themselves up!"

"Friends with benefits? Friends with benefits means that two people are friends, only with benefits."

Dib blinked at the bluntness of the article, then continued.

"Benefits may include: hugs, groping, kissing, making out, and-"

Horrified at the last benefit and the very idea of associating it with Zim, Dib repeatedly pounded the Back button on his browser.

---------------------------------

"Gir!"

Gir dropped from the ceiling onto his face. He saluted.

"Yes, my master!"

"Gir, I want you to tell me everything you know about friendship and what being a friend is. If you can't, then I shall have to repeat the Keef incident! Now quickly! Tell me!"

---------------------------------

The next morning, Dib rolled out of bed, armed with his newfound knowledge and ready for school.

--------------------------------

The very same morning, Zim came out of his stupor from listening to Gir blabber on an on about stuff that had absolutely nothing to do with friendship, armed with no newfound knowledge and a small headache.

--------------------------------

The end of chapter 6. What will happen at school? Will Dib change? What was that last benefit? You'd love to know wouldn't you? I think some of you know…ha ha…

Quote for…now?: "Me! The obsessive compulsive Dib!" –Dib (Gaz, Taster of Pork)


	7. chapter 7

Chaptah 7! OH yeah! flexes arms even though there isn't any muscle I think I've been playing Marvel vs. Capcom 2 too much. It's that darn Zangief's fault! Ah, anyway…

-------------------------------

A crumpled up ball of paper bounced off the side of Zim's head. He blinked a few times, still in a stupor, then looked around for the projectile. Zim decided not to start waving it around and demanding who dared to tarnish his earthy face. He unfolded it, and found out it was a note:

Hey Zim! 

_Uh…Zeta sits behind you._

_Dib_

Zim stared at it for a few seconds, then turned in the direction that Dib was sitting and mouthed "What?"

Dib shrugged, mouthing "I didn't know what to write! I've never written a note before!"

Zim, who was not proficient at reading lips (probably because he didn't have any), mouthed back "Huuuh?"

Fortunately, the bell rang, and they were able to talk normally.

"What is the meaning of this?" Zim demanded, waving the paper around.

"It's a note," Dib explained. "It said that friends frequently pass notes back and forth during class. I just, uh, never wrote one before, so-"

"_Who_ said this?"

"A website on the Internet."

Zim gave Dib a blank look.

"Oh! Oh yeah, you don't know what that is, huh? The Internet is a resource that allows humans to search thousands of information sources all over the world."

"And you _trust_ this Internet? How do you know that it's not spying on you?"

Dib puffed up his chest proudly.

"_I_ have Spyware."

Another blank look from Zim.

"Sigh…it's a program that stops people and programs from spying on me while I'm using the Internet."

"This Internet seems rather deceitful. How can you be sure of what it says?"

"What are you _saying_, Zim!? Almost everything on the Internet is true! It's my firs-uh, second best friend!"

"What!? This Internet ranks higher to you on your list of friends than _meee?"_

"…how the heck did you come up with that, Zim?"

"Zim is second to this…Traitornet!?"

"NO! I said the _Internet_ was second! You're my best-"

"I can't _believe_ you'd trust this human thing more than me!"

"Well, you have tried to kill me in the past…"

"LIES!"

A girl had snuck up unnoticed behind Zim. She quickly swiped the note out of Zim's hand. Zim, startled, jumped around to face her.

"Ooooh, what's this? A loooove note?" she sang, reading it.

She frowned.

"This is the lamest note I've ever read!"

Dib flushed embarrassedly and glanced at the floor.

"Oh, and you think you can do better?" Zim challenged, pointing at her for no apparent reason. "You consider yourself superior in the field of note-writing?"

"Well, I-"

"Are you the Supreme Ruler of the Kingdom of Handwritten Notes?"

"Uh, Zim, I think that's taking it a little too far-"

"Well? ARE you?"

"Uh…um…I…don't-"

The girl quickly ran out of the room. Zim put his arms into the air in triumph.

"Victory for Zim!"

He glanced over at Dib.

"And Dib too…I guess."

-------------------------------

"What else did the Horrornet tell you about friends?" Zim asked Dib as they were walking to the cafeteria.

"Internet. It said that friends get into fights over small things, and then they don't talk to each other for a while, and then they both get all emotional and apologize-Wait a minute! I think that that was a website for girl friendship!"

"_Girl_ friendship? Dib, you fool! I knew that Antiquenet was no good!"

"Internet! Darn! Now I have to research guy friendships when I get home. I won't have much time after I watch Mysterious Mysterys-"

"Then don't watch that dumb show! Research friendships of the male variety!"

"Never! I _always_ watch Mysterious Mysterys!"

"_I_ never watch it, and look at me!"

"I'm looking."

Zim glanced at Dib suspiciously.

"What's that supposed to mean, Earth boy?"

"It means that you're not a good example."

"What? Zim is the perfect specimen!"

"I said example, not specimen."

"Zim is perfect!"

"Sheesh…it's like you recognize a few words and ignore all the rest!"

"PERFECT!"

-------------------------------

As Dib ate lunch (away from Zim so that they wouldn't cause another scene), he thought about the different parts of the female friendship. Some of them sounded like things that he and Zim did, and he wondered what that meant…

Behind him, one of the kids collapsed onto the floor. A lunch lady quickly jumped over the counter with defibrillator paddles (those things paramedics use to start your heart with electric shocks), knocking several kids out of the way in the process.

"Clear!" she yelled.

Dib sighed as the kid twitched and then coughed and sat up, looking dazed. Ketchup and Rice days were always horrible.

------------------------------

"Get away, female stink, before something awful happens to you!" Zim threatened, throwing a handful of ketchupy rice at the closest one.

Like a little pack of raptors, they squeaked and hovered out of Zim's range, ready to strike when he slowed.

"Back, beasts, back!"

A glob of rice hit a girl on the cheek and hardened. Shrieking, the pack fled, leaving Zim to yell threats after them.

-----------------------------

Dib decided to skip Mysterious Mysterys. Gir was on again, and this time he had apparently discovered the secret ingredient to Count Cocofang's cereal: chocolate.

"And here we are, standing next to this amazing boy who has finally discovered the secret that makes Cocofang's cereal taste so great!" the announcer said. "Amazingly, it is the same boy who had Frankenchokey's cereal in his possession! What luck! I think that this boy will go on to discover many great things in the future! Now then, you say chocolate is the secret ingredient?"

"Yeah, but hair might be too, 'cause I found it in my cereal once when I was eatin' it," Gir said.

"Amazing! Hair and chocolate! Apparently, not only is Count Cocofang's cereal delicious, it's also nutritious because of the fiber of the hair it contains! Thanks to this genius little boy, the world can feel safe when it eats Cocosplodeys!"

Dib switched the TV off with a surly look, then headed upstairs into his room to look up guy friendship.

--------------------------------

That Gir! How does he do it? snicker Maybe I should do a little research on guy friendship too. It's very peculiar…

"Chickenfoot, stop! You're not a freak! You're just stupid!" –Dib (The Sad, Sad Tale of Chickenfoot)

P.S. I'm sorry if some of these quotes aren't word for word. I'm doing the best I can at remembering them. I could probably look them up…wait…YOU READ NOTHING!!!


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